Sunday, September 30, 2007
What am I doing blogging at this unearthly hour? Just my wandering mind giving me a wake up call...that I need to stop thinking about questions for which I have no answers. A Peanuts philosophy.
But I'll give it a shot.I do not understand myself.I have grown up in this unconditional environment with restrictions which were not difficult to abide by and the best opportunities to nurture my talents.Then why do I feel so lost,why is my sense of self so ill-defined?Where do I draw the boundaries between who I am really,who I want to be and what others want me to be.Ok,we can conveniently eliminate atleast one of those options. Now that leaves me with just some difficult questions to answer.Who do I want to be and what do people want me to be?Why do human beings almost always crave for the things they lack?Why is it that when they have 'everything' it's always the intangible,unreachable and the unattainable that they ache for so badly?Maybe it's like the proverbial apple in the Garden of Eden which could give them the ultimate edge over other living kind.
This blog is about me...so let me answer it for myself. The things I crave for are the things that would make my life more perfect.I can stop blaming myself and think that if I had just that 'one' thing it would make my life more perfect.My sense of self and my true personality can emerge only then.The thing that I crave for comes from a deep sense of insecurity that maybe I am not good enough.So I just keep filling up an empty space in my life with vaccuum,because it suits me fine not to be contented with myself....
Is this a wake up call for me?The awareness that I have right now can actually help me do something about the 'lacks' and 'dont haves' in my life.But then it's a choice I make.I will cling onto them because,then I don't have to blame myself for anything.I can always say ....''It looks like I have it all,but..."
When will I learn?The answer ..well,never....as long as I dont take the step to make a change in my perception and perspective.
So I will just be this person who went all the way to find out who she is on the back of a lorry which is running on a half tank of petrol.Somewhere along the way I got stranded and it just suited me fine to run around in circles getting help...when all I should have done is either fill the entire tank and then go search or stay put where I am right now.
But I am there halfway and stranded.There's still help along the way and I am not lost.But till that comes I will still continue searching....
But I'll give it a shot.I do not understand myself.I have grown up in this unconditional environment with restrictions which were not difficult to abide by and the best opportunities to nurture my talents.Then why do I feel so lost,why is my sense of self so ill-defined?Where do I draw the boundaries between who I am really,who I want to be and what others want me to be.Ok,we can conveniently eliminate atleast one of those options. Now that leaves me with just some difficult questions to answer.Who do I want to be and what do people want me to be?Why do human beings almost always crave for the things they lack?Why is it that when they have 'everything' it's always the intangible,unreachable and the unattainable that they ache for so badly?Maybe it's like the proverbial apple in the Garden of Eden which could give them the ultimate edge over other living kind.
This blog is about me...so let me answer it for myself. The things I crave for are the things that would make my life more perfect.I can stop blaming myself and think that if I had just that 'one' thing it would make my life more perfect.My sense of self and my true personality can emerge only then.The thing that I crave for comes from a deep sense of insecurity that maybe I am not good enough.So I just keep filling up an empty space in my life with vaccuum,because it suits me fine not to be contented with myself....
Is this a wake up call for me?The awareness that I have right now can actually help me do something about the 'lacks' and 'dont haves' in my life.But then it's a choice I make.I will cling onto them because,then I don't have to blame myself for anything.I can always say ....''It looks like I have it all,but..."
When will I learn?The answer ..well,never....as long as I dont take the step to make a change in my perception and perspective.
So I will just be this person who went all the way to find out who she is on the back of a lorry which is running on a half tank of petrol.Somewhere along the way I got stranded and it just suited me fine to run around in circles getting help...when all I should have done is either fill the entire tank and then go search or stay put where I am right now.
But I am there halfway and stranded.There's still help along the way and I am not lost.But till that comes I will still continue searching....
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